Rumors
by Lady Apolla
Summary: Full summary inside. An adaption of Neil Simon's classic play, Harry Potter Style!
1. Act I, Part 1

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does. And I also do not own this story. It is the play Rumors by Neil Simon. However, Helene Brady and Claudia Wood are mine.

Author's Note: If you know the story of Rumors, you know what this story is about. It's a hilarious comedy about a rich group of people, most of whom are meeting for the first time, and deal with covering up the tale of their suicidal friend. Join Harry, Helene, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Pansy, Oliver, and Harmony as they spread the rumors and escape mischief.

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Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part I

_SCENE: A large, tastefully renovated Victorian house in England, about forty minutes from the city of London. Despite its age and gingerbread exterior, the interior is modern, monochromatic and sparkling clean._

_And entrance doorway is at Upstage Right leads onto an open vestibule. To the right of the door is a powder room. One step down, is the large and comfortable living room. The color is predominately white._

_There are two furniture groupings in the living room. Stage Right are a love seat and two chairs. Upstage of the love seat and near the powder room is a table and a telephone with a long cord. Center Stage is a large sofa and coffee table. Two chairs Stage Left are part of a grouping with the sofa. On the Stage Left wall is a mirror in an ornate frame. Against the Upstage wall are a well-stocked bar and a stereo system enclosed in a gorgeous cabinet. Between these two pieces is a closed door leading to the cellar._

_From the living room, a curved staircase leads to a landing and two doors; each to a bedroom. on the landing is a railed banister. At the Stage Left end of the second floor landing is an archway leading to a hallway and more bedrooms. Downstage of this archway is a extension of the balcony which can be used as a playing area._

_Through the living room, at Left, double doors lead into a dining room and then, the kitchen. A huge window above the front door looks out onto a wooded backyard. A large window in the Stage Right wall overlooks a yard and the driveway beyond. Headlights of approaching cars may be seen through this window._

_AT RISE: It is about eight thirty at night on a pleasant evening in May._

_HERMIONE WEASLEY, an attractive woman, mid-thirties, paces anxiously back and forth, looking at her watch, biting her nails. SHE is elegantly dressed in a designer gown. SHE looks at the phone, then at her watch again. SHE seems to make a decision and crosses to the cigarette box on the coffee table. SHE takes out a cigarette, then puts it back._

HERMIONE. Oh, my God!

_(Suddenly, Neville's bedroom door opens on the second landing and RON WEASLEY, dressed smartly in a tuxedo but looking flushed and excited, comes out to the rail. THEY BOTH speak rapidly.)_

RON. Did he call yet?

HERMIONE. Wouldn't I have yelled up?

RON. Call him again.

HERMIONE. I called him twice. They're looking for him… How is he?

RON. I'm not sure. He's bleeding like crazy.

HERMIONE. Oh, my God!

RON. It's all over the room. I don't know why people decorate in white … If he doesn't call in two minutes, call the hospital.

HERMIONE. I'm going to have a cigarette, Ron.

RON. After eighteen months, like hell you are. Hold onto yourself, will you?

_(HE rushes back in, closes the door behind him. SHE returns to pacing.)_

HERMIONE. I can't believe this is happening. _(SHE crosses to the cigarette box. The PHONE rings.)_ Oh, God! _(SHE calls out.)_ Ron, the phone is ringing. _(But HE's gone. SHE crosses to the phone and picks it up.)_ Hello? Dr. Dudley? … Oh, Dr. Dudley, I'm so glad it's you. You're service said you were at the theatre.

_(Neville's bedroom doors opens, RON looks out.)_

RON. Is that the doctor?

HERMIONE. _(Into the phone.)_ I'm Hermione Weasley. My husband Ron and I are good friends of Neville Longbottom's.

RON. Is that the doctor?

HERMIONE. _(Turns, holds phones, yells at Ron.)_ _It's the doctor! It's the doctor!_

RON._ (Angrily.)_ Why didn't you say so? _(HE goes back in, closes the door.)_

HERMIONE. _(Into the phone_) Dr. Dudley, I'm afraid there's been an accident … I would have called my own doctor, but my husband is a lawyer an under the circumstances, he thought it better to have Neville's own physician … Well, we just arrived here at Neville's house about ten minutes ago, and as we were getting out of our car, we suddenly heard this enormous—

_(RON suddenly comes out of the bedroom.)_

RON. Don't say anything!

HERMIONE. _(To Ron)_ What?

RON. Don't tell him what happened!

HERMIONE. Don't tell him?

RON. Just do what I say.

HERMIONE. What about Neville?

RON. He's all right. It's just a powder burn. Don't tell him about the gunshot.

HERMIONE. But they got the doctor out of the theater.

RON. Tell him he tripped down the stairs and banged his head. He's all right.

HERMIONE. But what about the blood?

RON. The bullet went through his ear lobe. It's nothing. I don't want him to know.

HERMIONE. But I already said we were getting out of the car and we suddenly heard an enormous - what? What did we hear?

RON. _(Coming downstairs.)_ We heard …

HERMIONE. _(Into phone.)_ Just a minute, doctor.

RON. _(Thinks, coming downstairs.)_ We heard … we heard … we heard … an enormous – _thud!_

HERMIONE. Thud?

RON. When he tripped down the stairs.

HERMIONE. Good. Good. That's good. _(Into phone.)_ Dr. Dudley? I'm sorry. I was talking to my husband. Well, we heard this enormous _thud!_ It seemed Neville tripped going up the stairs.

RON. _Down! Down_ the stairs!

HERMIONE. _Down_ the stairs. But he's all right.

RON. He's sitting up in bed. He'll call him in the morning.

HERMIONE. He's sitting up in bed. He'll call him in the morning.

RON. _You!_

HERMIONE. _You!_ He'll call _you_ in the morning.

RON. You're very sorry you disturbed him.

HERMIONE. I'm very sorry I disturbed you.

RON. But he's really fine.

HERMIONE. But he's really fine.

RON. Thank you. Goodbye.

HERMIONE. _(To Ron.)_ Where are you going?

RON. _Him! Him!_ Thank him and say goodbye.

HERMIONE. Oh. _(Into phone.)_ Thank you and goodbye, Doctor … What? … Just a minute? _(To Ron as HE goes upstairs.)_ Any dizziness?

RON. No. No dizziness.

HERMIONE. _(Into phone.)_ No. No dizziness … What? _(To Ron.)_ Can he move his limbs?

RON. _(Irritated.) _Yes! He can move everything. Get off the phone.

HERMIONE._ (Yells at Ron.)_ They got him out of _Phantom of the Opera_! _(Into phone.)_ Yes, he can move everything … What_? (To Ron.)_ Any slurring of the speech?

RON. NO! NO SLURRING OF THE SPEECH!

HERMIONE. _(To Ron.)_ Don't yell at me. He'll hear it. _(Into phone.)_ No. No slurring of the speech.

RON. I've got to get back to Neville. _(RON starts back onto Neville's room.)_

HERMIONE. _(Into phone.)_ Any what? _(To Ron.)_ Any ringing of the ears?

RON. I can't believe this … No. Tell him no.

HERMIONE. _(Into phone.)_ Yes. A little ringing in the ears.

RON. I told you to say no.

HERMIONE. It sounds more believable to have ringing.

RON. Jesus!

HERMIONE. _(Into phone.)_ Who? His wife? Ginny? … Yes, Ginny's here.

RON. _(Rushing downstairs.)_ She's _not_ here. Don't tell him she's here. He'll want to speak to her.

HERMIONE. _(Into phone.) _Dr. Dudley? My mistake. She's not here. I thought she was but she wasn't.

RON. She just stepped out. She'll be back in a minute.

HERMIONE. She just stepped back. She'll be out in a minute.

_(RON goes back upstairs.)_

HERMIONE. … Okay, thank you, Dr. Diddley … Dudley. Enjoy the show. Ron and I saw it, we loved it … Especially the second act. Who's playing the Phantom tonight?

RON. Are you going to review the whole goddam show? _(RON goes back into Neville's room.)_

HERMIONE. Oh, Neville's calling me. _(Call out.)_ Just a minute, Neville. _(Into phone.)_ He sounds a lot better. I have to go. Yes, Doctor, I will. _(SHE hangs up, furious at Ron.)_ Don't you _ever_ do that to me again. He must suspect something. I didn't get his name right once.

RON. _(Coming out of the bedroom.)_ If anyone calls again, don't answer it. _(HE starts to go into the bedroom.)_

HERMIONE. Then why did you tell me to answer that one?

RON. Because I thought the bullet went through his head, not his ear lobe. Fix me a double vodka, I left Neville standing in the shower.

HERMIONE. If he drowns, you're making that call.

_(RON goes into the bedroom.)_

HERMIONE. I don't know why we're the first ones here. _(SHE fixes the vodka.)_ Never came late once in our lives. Someone else could have dealt with this. _(SHE goes to the cigarette box once more. The DOORBELL rings. SHE jumps.)_ Oh, SHIT! Shit shit shit shit!

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Aren't I a stinker? Okay, I think I'll leave you here for now.

Coming up next, find out who's behind the door and what happened to Neville.


	2. Act I, Part 2

Hey, I'm back! Let's find out what happens next!

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Rumors

A farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 2

_(The upstairs door opens, RON COMES OUT.)_

RON. Who's that? Who is that?

HERMIONE. Am I near the door? Do you see people in here? You think I'm on roller skates?

RON. Let me think a minute.

HERMIONE. Take your time because I don't answer doors. I only speak to Dr. Dudley.

RON. All right. It's got to be Harry or Wood, one of the others. We've got to open the door.

HERMIONE. You've got arms, reach down.

RON. I've got to dry Neville off and bandage his ear. Don't tell them what happened. I need a few minutes to figure this out. Can't you stall them?

HERMIONE. His best friends are coming to his tenth anniversary, his wife isn't here, he shoots himself in the earlobe and I'm supposed to make small talk when they come in?

RON. Attempted suicide is a criminal offense, not to mention a pretty ugly scandal. Neville's an Auror at the Ministry of Magic. He's my client and my brother-in-law, I've got to protect him, don't I? just play the hostess for a few minutes until I figure out how to handle this.

_(The DOORBELL rings again.)_

HERMIONE. Play the hostess? There's no food out, there's no ice in the bucket. Where's the help? Where's the cheese dip? Where's Ginny? What am I supposed to do till you get back, play charades? I'm lucky I can still speak English.

RON. You're a lawyer yourself, can't you figure out something to say?

HERMIONE. Contracts! I draw up legal publishing contracts. If someone walks in the door and wants to make a deal, I CAN HANDLE THAT!!

RON. Take it easy. Calm down. I'll be right back.

_(The DOORBELL rings again.)_

HERMIONE. Put some slippers on Neville and tell him to answer it.

RON. _(Yells.)_ Would you relax? Drink my vodka.

HERMIONE. Why is vodka better than two puffs of a cigarette?

RON. Because they know you quit and if they see smoke in here, they'll know something is wrong.

HERMIONE. You mean falling at their feet is going to look better.

_(The DOORBELL rings impatiently._

_RON runs into the bedroom and closes the door. HERMIONE crosses to the front door. SHE opens it. HELENE rushes into the living room. SHE's an attractive woman in an evening gown. She holds a handkerchief to the side of her mouth, a purse in the other hand.)_

HERMIONE. Helene, darling, you look beautiful. Where's Harry?

HELENE. _(Coming in.)_ In the car. We had an accident. Brand new BMW, two days old, the side door is smashed in. Don't tell Ginny and Neville. I don't want to ruin tonight for them. _(SHE crosses to the mirror and looks at her face.)_

HERMIONE. Oh, my God! Are you hurt?

HELENE. My lip is swelling up. _(Looks in the wall mirror.) _Oh, Jesus, I look like a trumpet player.

HERMIONE. Where's Harry?

HELENE. He's coming. He's walking slowly, he's got whiplash. His seat belt went right around his neck, and pulled him straight up. I left him dangling.

HERMIONE. Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?

HELENE. Just don't tell Ginny. This party means so much to her.

_(HARRY comes in through the front door. He's wearing a tuxedo, one hand holds the back of his neck, in the other arm HE has a gift box from Steuben's.)_

HARRY. _(In pain, but smiles. His neck is stiff.)_ Hi, Neville! Hi, Ginny! We're here, kids!

HERMIONE. They're upstairs, Harry.

HARRY. _(To Hermione.)_ Did she tell you what happened? Some stupid bastard shoots out of his garage like a Polaris rocket. I've got four doors on one side of the car now.

HERMIONE. How does your neck feel?

HARRY. Stretched out, over to one side. I look like a Modigliani painting. _(HE crosses to the phone.)_

HERMIONE. Do you want a drink?

HARRY. I don't think I could swallow past my shoulders.

HELENE. Of all the nights to happen.

HARRY. Here's their gift. Steuben glass. _(HE shakes the box. We hear broken glass RATTLE.)_ If someone brings them a bottle of glue, they'll have a nice gift. _(HE starts to dial, carefully.)_

HELENE. _(Looks at her mouth in a hand mirror.)_ I could have lost the tip of my tongue. I'd be speaking Gaelic for the rest of my life. My singing career would be ruined.

HARRY. _(Waiting for his call.)_ A brand new, spotless car, never touched by human hands. Buffed an polished by German women in Munich and now it looks like a war memorial. _(Into phone.)_ Hello? This is Harry Potter. Is Dr. Dudley there, please?

HERMIONE. Dr. Dudley?  
HARRY. _(Into phone.)_ Yes, it is. I have a whiplash injury … I see … Do you know what theater he's in?

HERMIONE. Oh, God, I need a cigarette so badly.

HARRY. Could you? It's important. I'm at – _(HE looks at the phone.) _914-473-2261 … Thank you very much. _(He hangs up.)_

HELENE. I've got to settle my stomach. Is there anything to eat? Some canapés or something?

HERMIONE. Gee, I don't see anything.

HELENE. No canapés? Where's the cook, Mai Li? She makes great canapés.

HERMIONE. Mai Li? I didn't see her. I think she's off this week.

HELENE. The week of their anniversary party?

HERMIONE. I think she had to go back to Japan. Her mother was sick.

HELENE. Mai Li is Chinese.

HERMIONE. I know. Her mother was visiting Japan.

HARRY. _(Still bracing his neck.) _I can only look up. I hope tall people are coming to this party … Where's Ron?

HERMIONE. Ron? He went to the bathroom.

HARRY. And where are Neville and Ginny.

HERMIONE. They're still getting dressed.

HARRY. They're not ready? We had a _car_ accident and we're on time.

HELENE. _(Looks in hand mirror again.)_ My lip is getting gigantic. I don't think I have enough lipstick to cover it.

HARRY. No nuts or pretzels? I didn't even have lunch today. Three goddam audits with the Ministry on an empty stomach. _(HE gets up.)_ Helene, get me a diet soda, please, and something to munch on. _(HE starts for the stairs.)_

HERMIONE. Where are you going?

HARRY. To the john. I haven't had a chance to do that either.

HERMIONE. There's a guest powder room down here.

HARRY. Isn't Ron in that one?

HERMIONE. No, he's using the one in the guest bedroom upstairs.

HARRY. _(Pointing to the powder room.)_ Why didn't he use this one?

HERMIONE. I don't know. He said he had to go badly and he ran upstairs.

HARRY. If he had to go so bad, the one downstairs is closer.

HERMIONE. You know how it is when you have to go badly. You don't want to stop running.

HARRY. But this is a shorter run.

HELENE. Harry, it's not a Quidditch match. Why don't you just go?

HARRY. That's why they build guest bathrooms. _(Starts for the powder room.)_ If Dr. Dudley calls, I'll be right out. _(HE goes into powder room and closes the door.)_

HERMIONE. Helene, we have to talk.

HELENE. _(Goes to sit near Hermione.)_ What is it?

HERMIONE. I'm coming apart at the seams.

HELENE. You're dress?

HERMIONE. No, my nerves. I think I'm going to crack.

HELENE. I can see. _(Taking Hermione's hand.)_ Your hands are like ice. Something is going on here, isn't it?

HERMIONE. Oh, God, you're so smart. You're so quick to see things.

HELENE. You're scaring me, Hermione. Tell me what's happening.

HERMIONE. Well, all right. Ron and I arrived here about ten minutes ago, when we suddenly heard this enormous …

_(Neville's bedroom door opens. RON comes out.)_

RON. Hey, Helene! You look lovely.

HERMIONE. Yes! I was just telling her that. She looks enormously well, doesn't she? _(To Helene.)_ Is that the dress you wore for the United States Tour?

HELENE. No. I got this for the Australian one next fall. Hi, Ron.

RON. Where's Harry?

HELENE. He's in the bathroom. Where's Neville and Ginny?

HERMIONE. _(To Ron.) _Still getting dressed?

RON. Yes. Still getting dressed … How's the new BMW? Is Harry happy with it?

HELENE. Delirious.

RON. Did he get all the new features he asked for.

HELENE. More than he asked for.

RON. Great.

HELENE. Are you through in the bathroom, Ron? I have to go myself. (_SHE starts for the stairs.)_

RON. I think Ginny's in there.

HELENE. Then I'll use Mai Li's bathroom. Call me if she gets back from Japan. _(SHE goes into the kitchen.)_

_-----------------------------------------_

Ain't I a stinker? I'll leave you dangling there for now.

Coming up, Harry and Helene finally discover what happened to Neville. How? Did Ron or Hermione crack or both? Or did the Potters manage to sneak up and find Neville? Or does Neville get away from Ron?


	3. Act I, Part 3

Thanks for being so patient. Here's the next part. Here the rumors that are spread and find out what really happened to Neville.

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Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 3

RON. _(Waving his arms at Hermione.)_ Up here! Quick!

_(HERMIONE rushes up the stairs.)_

RON. Hurry up!

_(Breathless, SHE gets there.)_

RON. What did you tell her?

HERMIONE. I can't remember.

RON. You can't remember?

HERMIONE. I couldn't follow it, I was talking so fast. Why can't we tell them the truth? They're going to find out anyway.

RON. I don't _know_ the truth yet. Neville is still mumbling. Now go inside. He wants to see you.

HERMIONE. See _me? _Why does he want to see me?

RON. He's crying like a baby. I can't stop him. He needs a woman.

HERMIONE. … To do what?

RON. To cry on. I can reason with him but I can't comfort him. Let him cry on your shoulder for two minutes, for crise sakes.

HERMIONE. _(Starting into Charley's room.)_ Is he still bleeding? I paid twelve hundred dollars for this dress.

_(SHE goes in and closes the door just as HARRY comes out of the powder room.)_

RON. Oh, hi, Harry!

HARRY. _(Looks up, winces.)_ Oh, Jesus. _(He grabs his neck.)_ Hi, Ron. Did you hear about the BMW?

RON. Yeah. Congratulations. Excuse me. _(HE turns to go.)_

HARRY. Where are you going?

RON. To the john.

HARRY. Didn't you just go?

RON. … Yes. But not enough. Be right back.

_(HE goes into the powder room, just as HELENE comes out of the kitchen with a bag of pretzels, unopened.)_

HELENE. This is very weird.

HARRY. Give me the pretzels. _(HE grabs the bag.)_

HELENE. _(Pours two sodas.)_ There's plenty of food in the kitchen, but nothing's cooked.

HARRY. Why didn't you open this first? _(HE struggles with the bag.)_

HELENE. There's a duck, roast ham, smoked turkey, all defrosting on the table. There's pasta sitting in a pot with no water.

(_HARRY can't open the bag. HE bites into it.)_

HELENE. Everything's ready to go, but no one's there to start it. Doesn't that seem strange to you?

HARRY. Not as strange as him peeing twice in a row … Have you got something sharp, a nail file or something?

HELENE. Hermione started to tell me something and then she clammed up.

HARRY. The door on my BMW opened like tissue paper but this thing is like steel.

HELENE. Her hands were cold as ice. She couldn't look me straight in the eye.

HARRY. This would be a safe place to keep your jewelry. _(HE tries one last time to open it, then throws it away.)_ Goddammit!

HELENE. And why are they taking so long to get dressed? What is that about, heh?

HARRY. What are you so bloody suspicious for? Give the people a chance to come down.

HELENE. Oh, you don't notice anything is wrong?

HARRY. Yes, I noticed. I noticed the towels in the bathroom were piled up on the sink and not on the rack. I noticed there's only a sheet-and-a-half left on the toilet paper. I think it's sloppy, but not a scandal.

HELENE. Really? Well, I'm not so sure I'd rule out a scandal. _(SHE walks away from him.)_

HARRY. You think I don't know what you're talking about? I hear what's going on. I hear gossip, I hear rumors and I won't listen to that crap, you understand. He's my friend, she is the wife of my friend and my best friend's baby sister.

HELENE. Fine! Okay, then forget it.

HARRY. I don't listen to filth and garbage about my friends. Being famous and having people gossip behind my back about me has taught me that.

HELENE. I said forget it.

HARRY. _(Looks at her.)_ … All right. Come here. _(HE walks to the extreme Downstage Right corner of the living room.)_

HELENE. What's wrong with here?

HARRY. They could hear us. Here is better. Will you come here!

_(SHE crosses to him. HE looks around, then to her.)_

HARRY. It's not good.

HELENE. What's not good?

HARRY. What I heard.

HELENE. What did you hear?

HARRY. Will you lower your voice?

HELENE. Why? We haven't said anything yet.

HARRY. All right. There's talk going around about Ginny and—This hurts me. Stand on my other side. I can't turn.

_(SHE turns with her back to him. HE moves to her other side.)_

HARRY. There's talk going around about Ginny and Neville. Only no one will tell it to my face because they know I won't listen.

HELENE. I'll listen. Tell it to my face.

HARRY. Why would you want to hear things about our friends? He's my colleague. He trusts me. Not just with his life, but personal things.

HELENE. I'm not going to betray him to the enemy, what's the rumors?

HARRY. Jesus, you won't be satisfied till you hear, will you?

HELENE. I won't even _sleep_ with you until I hear. What's the rumors?

HARRY. … All right. Ron's baby sister upstairs is having herself a little thing, okay?

HELENE. What kind of thing?

HARRY. Do I have to spell it out? A thing. A guy. A man. A fella. A kid. An affair. She's doing something with someone on the sly somewhere and it's not with Neville. Okay?

HELENE. You don't know that. You only heard it. You haven't seen it.

HARRY. Of course I haven't seen it. You think they invite me to come along? What's wrong with you?

HELENE. You are so naïve, it's incredible. Get real, Harry. Ginny's not having anything with anybody. Your friend, Neville, however, is running up a hell of a motel bill.

HARRY. Neville? My friend, Neville? No way. Not a chance. He wouldn't even look at another woman.

HELENE. He may not be looking at her, but he's screwing her.

HARRY. Will you lower your voice! … Where did you hear this?

HELENE. Someone at the tennis club told me.

HARRY. _Our_ tennis club!

HELENE. What is it, a sacred temple? People gossip there.

HARRY. Christ! Bunch of hypocrites. Sit around in their brand-new Nikes and Reeboks destroying people's lives … Who told you this?

HELENE. I'm not going to tell you because you don't like this person anyway.

HARRY. What difference does it make if I like them or not? Who told you?

HELENE. Carole Newman.

HARRY. CAROLE NEWMAN?? I knew it, I knew it. I _hate_ that goddam woman. She's got a mouth big enough to swallow a can of tennis balls.

_(The guest room door opens and RON steps out onto the landing.)_

RON. _(Affably.)_ How you two doing?

HARRY. Hey! Just fine, Ron.

RON. Had anything to eat yet?

HARRY. Just a plastic bag.

RON. Great! Be right back.

_(RON goes into Neville's bedroom and closes the door.)_

HARRY. Wasn't it Carole Newman who spread the other rumor?

HELENE. What other rumor?

HARRY. The rumor that you and I were breaking up.

HELENE. No. It wasn't Carole Newman.

HARRY. It wasn't? then who was it?

HELENE. It was me.

HARRY. _You_ started the rumor?

HELENE. Me, you, the both of us. When we were thinking about separating, didn't we go around telling everyone?

HARRY. We told friends. That bitch told strangers.

HELENE. Hey! Hey! Do _not_ call Carole Newman a bitch to my face. Besides, Carole Newman didn't start that rumor about Neville. Someone else at the club told her. _(SHE walks to the bar.)_

HARRY. Who was the one who told her?

HELENE. Harold Green.

HARRY. Harold Green? Who the hell is Harold Green?

HELENE. He's a new member. He was just voted in last week.

HARRY. I never voted for him.

HELENE. Yes, you did. By proxy. We were in Walt Disney World.

HARRY. I don't believe it. A goddam proxy new member spreads rumors about my friend? Who does he play tennis with?

HELENE. He doesn't play tennis. He's a social member. He just eats lunches there.

HARRY. … This son of a bitch is a non-playing proxy social new member who just eats lunches and spreads rumors? What does he do for a living?

HELENE. He sells BMW's.

_(Neville's bedroom door opens and RON steps out.)_

RON. Did anyone else get here yet?

HELENE. Not to speak of, no.

HARRY. Is anything wrong?

RON. _(Coming downstairs.)_ Why? Does anything seem wrong to you?

HARRY. You mean aside from the fact there's no food, no guests, no host, no hostess, and that you and Hermione only appear one-at-a-time and never together. Yes, I'd say there's something wrong. Ron, I've known you my whole life. By now, I know when you're hiding something. What is it?

RON. Okay. _(HE's looking at the floor, thinking.)_ Okay, sit down, Harry, Helene.

_(HARRY and HELENE sit. HE sits in the chair opposite.)_

RON. All right, I can't keep this quiet anymore … We've got a big problem on our hands.

HARRY. _(To Helene.)_ Aha! What did I just say, Helene?

HELENE. You just said, "Aha!" What is it, Ron? Tell us.

RON. Neville … Neville, er … Neville's been shot.

HELENE. _WHAT???_

HARRY. _SHOT???_

HELENE. Oh, my God!

HARRY. Jesus Christ!

HELENE. Don't tell me this!

HARRY. I can't catch my breath!

HELENE. Please don't let it be true.

HARRY. _(Wailing.) Neville, Neville, no! No, Neville, no!!!_

RON. Take it easy, he's not dead. He's all right.

HELENE. He's not dead?

HARRY. He's all right?

RON. He's alive. He's okay.

HARRY. Thank God, he's alive!

HELENE. Where was he shot?

RON. In the head.

HELENE. In the _head?_ The _head? _Oh, my, God, he was shot in the _head!!!_

RON. It's all right. It's not bad. It's a superficial wound.

HARRY. Where did the bullet go?

RON. Through his left ear lobe.

HELENE. The ear lobe? That's not too bad. I have holes in my ear lobes, it doesn't hurt.

HARRY. I saw this coming, I swear. The truth, Ron, did _she_ do it?

RON. Who?

HARRY. Ginny, for crise sakes. Who else would it be?

RON. _(Defensively, angrily, and confused.)_ Why would my sister shoot Neville?

HELENE. You don't know what's going on?

HARRY. You haven't heard?

RON. No. What's going on?

HELENE. Neville's been having a hot affair with someone.

HARRY. It's not hot. You don't know if it's hot. Nobody said it was hot. _(To Ron.) _It's an affair. A plain affair.

RON. _(To Harry.)_ Who told you this?

HARRY. Nobody told me _that_. What I heard was that _Ginny_ was having a thing.

RON. A thing with who?

HARRY. A man. A guy. A fellow. A kid. Who knows?

HELENE. Someone else told me it was _Neville_ who was having the affair.

RON. What someone else?

HARRY. Some bitch at the club named Carole Newman,

HELENE. She is _not_ a bitch. And she only told me what Harold Green told her.

RON. Who's Harold Green?

HARRY. _(Quickly.)_ Some goddam proxy new social member who doesn't even play tennis. Comes to the club to eat lunch and spread rumors.

HELENE. Well, it seems to me Neville's the one who's having the affair if Ginny was hysterical enough to shoot him.

RON. Listen to me, will you, please? Ginny didn't shoot him. _Neville_ fired the gun. He tried to kill himself. It was attempted suicide.

HELENE. _SUICIDE???_

HARRY. Jesus Christ!

HELENE. Oh, my God!

HARRY. Don't tell me that.

HELENE. I don't believe it.

HARRY._ (Wailing.)_ _No, Neville, no! Neville, Neville, no!_

RON. Will you stop it! It's enough grieving. He's all right.

HELENE. Oh, Neville.

HARRY. It's all because of that no-good fucking Harold Green. That guy's out of the club. I can get the votes.

RON. Can we stick to the main topic here? Nobody knows if anybody had an affair. I don't know why Neville shot himself.

HARRY. _(To Ron.)_ So how is Ginny taking this? My God, she must be a wreck.

HELENE. _(Rising.)_ I should go up to her. Let me go up to her.

RON. _(Stopping Helene.)_ Don't go up to her. There's no point in going up to her. She's not here. She's gone.

HELENE. She's gone? Neville shoots himself in the head and Ginny leaves the house?

HARRY. She walks out on him _now? Now_ when he's laying up there with a bullet in his ear?

RON. It's not in his ear. It went _through_ his ear. WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME PLEASE!!! … Maybe she wasn't even here when it happened. Hermione and I were driving up when we heard the shot. The front door was locked, I ran around the back and broke in the kitchen window.

HELENE. I saw that. I thought maybe Mai Li did it and maybe Ginny fired her. But I didn't know then that Mai Li's mother was sick in Japan.

HARRY. _(To Helene.)_ Don't talk for a while. Let me and Ron talk. You just listen. _(To Ron.)_ So you broke in and rushed upstairs. Was he on the floor?

RON. No. He was sitting in bed. The television was on. One of those evangelist shows. A bottle of Valium was on the night table. He was half-conscious. I figured maybe he took a couple of pills to make himself drowsy, put the gun to his head, started to fall asleep, and shot himself through the ear.

HELENE. Is that blood on your shirt, Ron?

RON. _(Looking down at his shirt.) _Where?

HELENE. Below the second stud.

RON. Oh, shit, I didn't see that. That won't come out, will it?

HARRY. That's what you're worried about? A stain on your dress shirt?

RON. I don't give a damn about my shirt. I'm trying to prevent Neville from getting a suicide rap. When the others walk in here, I don't want to explain to them how I got blood on my good silk shirt.

HELENE. You could borrow one of Neville's.

RON. He's two sizes too small for me.

HELENE. I don't think they'll notice your sleeves if Neville has a big bandage on his ear and Ginny's not even at the party.

HARRY. Let the man finish the story, will you, please? _(To Ron.) _Did he tell you anything? Did he say why he did it?

RON. Not a word. He was barely conscious.

HARRY. Did he leave a note or anything?

RON. He had a piece of paper in his hand. I tried to take it from him, but he tore it up and threw it into the john. He flushed before I could get to it.

HELENE. This is not happening. I'm not hearing this.

HARRY. _(To Ron.)_ Did you call the Ministry?

RON. No, just the doctor. We told him he fell down the stairs. As long as he wasn't hurt, I didn't want to make this a public thing.

HARRY. We've got to call the Ministry. This man is an Auror. We're talking front page on the _Daily Prophet_. Pictures of Neville with his suit jacket over his head.

RON. Exactly. That's what I'm trying to avoid till we find out what happened.

HARRY. If we keep this quiet, we're all accessories. I just dealt with the IRS boys today. I'd be the first they'd go after.

RON. Why would they go after you?

HARRY. With attempted suicides, they look into everything. They want to see what his conditions at work are like, his coworkers, who he's closest too, who he goes on assignments with. They'd want to know what kind of relationship we had and because I'm famous, that adds to the picture. Then they'd go into the financial picture and try to find out how he could afford this house.

RON. That's no secret. Ginny's very successful. She bought the house.

HELENE. Did she? I didn't know that.

HARRY. _(To Ron.)_ You hear that? Now tomorrow it'll be all over the tennis club.

RON. I'm not bringing in the Ministry until I have to. I don't know what you're nervous about. Unless you have something to hide you don't want the IRS to know.

HARRY. Are you accusing me of hiding something? I'm the one who wants to bring in the Ministry. Maybe _you're_ the one who has something to hide. You make out his contracts. You made out his will.

RON. Are you accusing me and Neville of conspiracy?

_(CAR LIGHTS flash on the window.)_

HELENE. I hear a car pulling up.

HARRY. _(To Ron, starting for the phone.)_ If you're not calling the Ministry, I am.

RON. Oh, no you're not.

HARRY. You're telling me what I'm not going to do?

HELENE. _(At the window.) _it's pulling up the driveway.

HARRY. Suppose the neighbors heard the gunshot and have already called the police.

RON. I'll deal with that problem when it arises.

HARRY. Maybe the car is the police. Or someone from the Ministry. Then the problem has arosen.

HELENE. _(Looking out the window.)_ It's a Volvo station wagon.

HARRY. A Volvo??!

RON. Now I suppose you're worried it's the Swedish Ministry.

HELENE. It's Oliver and Harmony.

HARRY. Oliver and Harmony?

RON. _(To Helene.)_ Why didn't you tell us?

HELENE. Why didn't you listen.

------------------------------------------------------

Ain't I a stinker? You're just gonna have to cope, because this chapter is long enough.

Coming up next, enter Oliver Wood and his wife. What sort of catastrophe will happen and will Harry call the Ministry or help Ron with the farce?


	4. Act I, Part 4

Thanks for waiting. Here's the next part.

----------------------------------------------------

Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 4

_(HARRY and RON join Helene at the window. Neville's bedroom door opens and HERMIONE steps out.)_

HERMIONE. Ron, Ginny and I are having trouble with her zipper.

RON. No, you're not.

HERMIONE. I'm not?

RON. They know about it.

HERMIONE. About Ginny's zipper?

HARRY. We know that Ginny's not here. Ron just told us.

HERMIONE. Oh.

HELENE. _(At the window.)_ They're stopping to look at our BMW.

HERMIONE. Did you tell them about Neville cutting his ear shaving?

RON. They know _everything_. The gunshot, the ear lobe, the flushed note down the toilet, everything.

HERMIONE. _(Angrily to Ron, coming downstairs.)_ _Why didn't you tell me you told them?_ … They must think I'm an idiot.

HARRY. How is Neville?

HERMIONE. He fell asleep. He's hugging the pillow with his thumb in his mouth.

HELENE. They're coming up to the house. I can't believe she's wearing a dress like that to a party like this.

RON. All right, what do we do? Do we tell them or not?

HELENE. Why not? Oliver is Neville's analyst. Everything you tell your analyst remains confidential.

HARRY. What his _patients_ tell him. We're not his patients. His patient is asleep sucking his thumb.

HERMIONE. I can't believe I'm paying a baby sitter for this night.

_(The DOORBELL RINGS. THEY ALL freeze.)_

HARRY. So what did we decide? Do we call the Ministry or not?

HERMIONE. I say no. Harmony has her cooking show on television. Suppose she accidentally says something on the air?

HARRY. On a cooking show? Do you think she gives out suicide recipes?

RON. I still think we say nothing till I find out what's happened. Better safe than sorry. Helene, open the door.

HARRY. Hermione, get us some drinks. Let's look like we're having fun.

_(HERMIONE rushes to the bar, gets drinks, and sits beside Harry on the soda.)_

HELENE. So what is it? We're telling Oliver, but we're not telling Harmony?

HARRY. _We're not telling either one of them!_ I'm sorry we told you!

_(The DOORBELL RINGS.)_

HARRY. Just open the door!

RON. Helene, don't open it until I get upstairs. If Neville wakes up, maybe I can get the story from him. _(Dashes upstairs to Neville's bedroom.)_

HERMIONE. _(To Ron.)_ I took the Valium away from him. I hid it in the medicine cabinet.

RON. Gee, what a good hiding place. _(Exits into Neville's bedroom.)_

_(HELENE crosses to the front door. HARRY and HELENE quickly sit on the sofa with their drinks as if THEY're having an amusing chat.)_

HARRY. _(To Hermione.)_ So, Mrs. Thatcher replies, "I don't know, perhaps it's in my umbrella stand."

HELENE. _(At the front door.)_ Are we ready?

HARRY. Yes! We're ready, we're ready!

_(HELENE smiles and opens the front door. HERMIONE and HARRY break into loud LAUGHTER. OLIVER AND COOKIE are at the door. OLIVER is in a tux and carrying a gift box. HARMONY is around her husband's age, wears a god-awful evening down. SHE carries a sausage-like cushion under her arm.)_

HELENE. Cookie! Oliver! It's so good to see you. (Hugs them both.)

HERMIONE. Oh, God, that is so funny, Harry. you should have been an actor, I swear.

HELENE. Everybody, it's Oliver and Cookie.

HARRY. _(Still laughing.)_ Hi, Oliver. Hi, Cookie.

HERMIONE. _(Waving, laughing.)_ Hi, Oliver. Hi, Cookie.

OLIVER. Hello, Hermione. Hello, Harry.

HERMIONE. _(To Harry.)_ So, go on with the story. What did Mr. Gorbachev say?

HARRY. _(After an awkward silence.)_ Mr. Gorbachev? … He said, "I don't know. I never ate cat food before."

_(There is much forced LAUGHTER.)_

OLIVER. Sorry we're late. Did we miss much?

HERMIONE. You have got to get Harry to tell you the story about Mrs. Thatcher and the cat food.

_(HARRY shoots Hermione a dirty look.)_

OLIVER. _(Laughs.)_ Sounds like fun already. Heh heh heh.

HARMONY. Everyone looks so beautiful.

HELENE. Harmony, I am cr-azy about the dress. You always dig up the most original things. Where do you find them?

HARMONY. Oh, God, this is sixty years old. It was my grandmother's. she bought it from Russia.

HELENE. Didn't you wear that for Muscular Dystrophy in June?

HARMONY. No, Oliver's last Quidditch game in August.

HELENE. _(Looking at the cushion.)_ Oh, what a pretty cushion? Is that for Neville and Ginny?

HARMONY. No, it's for my back. It went out again while I was dressing. _(SHE opens the pretzels, easily.)_

OLIVER. You all right, honey?

HARMONY. I'm fine, babe.

HERMIONE. You and your back problems. It must be awful.

HARMONY. It's nothing. I can do everything but sit down and get up.

OLIVER. Hey, Harry, is that your BMW? _(HE laughs.)_ Looks like you put a lot of miles on it in two days.

HARRY. A guy shoots out of a garage and blind-sides me. The car's got twelve miles on it. I've got a case of whiplash like you wouldn't believe.

HARMONY. _(Crossing to the other side of the room.)_ Oh, I've had whiplash. Excruciating. My best friend had it for six years.

_(HARRY nods sardonically. SHE picks up the Steuben gift box.)_

HARMONY. Oh, this looks nice. Who brought this? _(SHE turns it to see the label but loses control and drops it.)_ Oh, my God … Did I break anything? _(SHE shakes the box. It RATTLES.)_ What was it?

HARRY. Steuben glass.

COOKIE. Oh, don't tell me! Harry! Helene! … I'm so sorry.

OLIVER. It was an accident honey. _(To Harry and Helene.) _We'll replace it, of course.

HARRY. Sure, if you want. I don't care.

HERMIONE. What about a drink, everyone?

OLIVER. I'll have something.

HERMIONE. What do you want?

HELENE. I'll get it.

HARRY. _(Getting up.)_ I'm right near the bar.

OLIVER. You're all going to get me a drink? Such friendly people. I'd love a bourbon, please.

_(HERMIONE CROSSES TO THE BAR.)_

COOKIE. I should have let what's-her-name pick it up. Moo-Lo.

HERMIONE. Mai Li … Here you go, Wood. _(Gives Oliver his drink.)_

COOKIE. Where's Ron?

HELENE. Ron? Ron's with Neville.

HARMONY. And Ginny?

HELENE. Ginny's with Ron … They're waiting for Ginny to get dressed.

HARMONY_. (Grabbing the back of a chair and screaming.)_ Ooooh! Oooo! Ooooh!

HELENE. What is it?

HARMONY. A spasm. It's gone. It's all right. It just shoots up my back and goes.

OLIVER. You all right, poops?

HARMONY. I'm fine, puppy.

HARRY. Listen, maybe we should all sit outside. It's such a beautiful night.

OLIVER. _(Smiles.)_ Okay. Okay, you kids. What's going on here?

HELENE. What do you mean?

OLIVER. You think I don't notice everyone's acting funny? Three people want to get me drinks. Hermione wants me to hear this funny story. Harry wants to get us all outside. Everyone creating a diversion. Why? I don't know. Am I right?

HERMIONE. No wonder you're such a high-priced doctor. Okay … Someone's going to have to tell them.

HARRY. Tell them what?

HERMIONE. About the surprise.

HARRY. What surprise?

HERMIONE. The surprise about the party.

HARMONY. What surprise about the party?

HERMIONE. Well, I think it's the cutest thing, isn't it, Helene?

HELENE. Oh, God, yes.

HERMIONE. Tell them about it.

HELENE. No, you tell it better than I do.

HARMONY. I'm sorry. I think I'm going to have to sit down.

HERMIONE. I'll help you.

HARRY. I'll do it.

HELENE. I've got her.

_(THEY all help lower Harmony onto the sofa, beside Oliver.)_

HARMONY. The cushion. I need to cushion.

HARRY. Here it is. _(HE puts the cushion behind her back.)_

OLIVER. You all right, chicken?

HARMONY. I'm fine, Pops … So what's the big surprise about?

HERMIONE. well … Neville and Ginny decided … because they were going to have their closest friends over to celebrate their tenth anniversary … they weren't going to have any … servants.

HARMONY. _(Nods.)_ Uh huh.

HERMIONE. No Mai Li, no anybody.

HARMONY. _(Nods.)_ Uh huh.

HERMIONE. Isn't that terrific. No help. Just us.

HARMONY. Why is that terrific?

HERMIONE. Because!!! We're all going to pitch in. Like in the old days. Before money. Before success. Like when we were all just starting out. Those were the best times in our lives, don't you think?

HARMONY. No. I hated those times. I love success.

HERMIONE. But don't you find these are greedier times. Lazier, more selfish. Nobody wants to work anymore.

HARMONY. I work fourteen hours a day. I cook thirty-seven meals a week. I cook on my television show. I cook for my family. I cook for my neighbors. I cook for my dogs. I was looking forward to a relaxed evening. _(SHE reconsiders.)_ But I don't want to spoil the fun. What do we have to do?

HELENE. We have to cook.

HARMONY. You mean all of us cooking in the kitchen together?

HERMIONE. Everyone except for Neville and Ginny. Helene and I told them to stay up there and relax. We'll call them when we're ready.

HARMONY. What are we going to make?

HELENE. It's all laid out. Roast ham, smoked turkey, duck and pasta?

OLIVER. Roast ham? Duck? … That's too much cholesterol for me.

HARRY. Oliver, we didn't come to live longer. Just to have a good time.

HARMONY. I just don't understand why we're all wearing our best clothes to cook a dinner.

HELENE. That's not your best clothes. It's a fifty-year-old Polish dress.

HARMONY. A sixty-year-old Russian dress.

OLIVER. The dress is hardly an issue worth arguing about.

HARMONY. I didn't say we would cook it.

OLIVER. She didn't say we wouldn't cook it. Why is everyone getting so worked up about this?

HELENE. All right, Oliver, let's not turn this into group therapy, please.

OLIVER. This is nothing like group therapy, Helene. You, of all people, should know that if your youngest sister, Helen, talks about her sessions at home.

HARRY. Oh, terrific. Let's just name all the people in your Thursday night group, Oliver, heh?

HARMONY. Why are Oliver and I getting attacked? We just walked in the door.

HERMIONE. Please lower your voices. We're going to ruin the surprise for Neville and Ginny.

OLIVER. What surprise? It was their idea.

HARMONY. Listen, I don't want to take the blame for ruining this party. _(To the Group.) _I'll do all the cooking myself and Oliver will do the serving.

OLIVER. Honey, no one's asking you to do that.

HERMIONE & HELENE. If she wants to do it, let her. Sure. Why not? Fine with us.

HARRY. If it makes her happy, she can clean up, too.

HELENE. And I can help a little. My other sister, Helenea, the middle child, she's a manager of a famous restaurant and I got some tips on cooking duck from her.

HARMONY. _(Struggling to her feet.)_ Okay, then it's settled. Just give me forty-five minutes. I promise you this is going to be the best dinner party we ever had.

_(Suddenly, we hear a GUNSHOT from Neville's room.)_

_------------------------_

Ain't I a stinker? That's it for now.

Next time, what happened now? Will Oliver and Harmony be filled in on the situation? Can anything else possibly go wrong?

**Gotmilk:** Well, now you get to picture it because Harry's the one who has to do that scene. lol


	5. Act I, Part 5

I'm back, folks! Now let's find out why that gun went off this time.

-----------------------------------------------------

Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 5

HARMONY. Oh, my God!

_(EVERYONE freezes. HARMONY falls back onto the sofa.)_

HELENE. Oh, give me a break.

OLIVER. What the bloody hell was that?

_(Neville's bedroom door opens and RON, looking harassed, comes out, looks over the railing and tries to appear calm.)_

RON. It's fine. It's okay. It's all under control. Hi, Wood. Hi, Harmony … Oh, Hermione, honey, could I see you up here for a minute … _(HE smiles at them and returns to Neville's bedroom.)_

HERMIONE. _(Politely.)_ Would you all excuse me for a minute? I hate it when this happens. _(SHE goes calmly up the stairs and into Neville's room.)_

OLIVER. Am I crazy or was that a gunshot?

HARRY. A gunshot? Nooo. I think it was a car backfiring.

OLIVER. In Neville's bedroom?

HARMONY. Oliver, maybe you should go up and see.

HARRY. Why? Hermione and Ron and Neville and Ginny are up there. There's more of them than us.

HARMONY. You can't just ignore a gunshot. Oliver, please go up and see.

HARRY. Oh, I know. I know. I know exactly what it was … it was a balloon. They've been blowing up party balloons up there all day.

OLIVER. What kind of balloon was that, the Goodyear blimp? … I'm going up there.

HARRY. Then how are we going to get dinner ready? Neville and Ginny must be starving. You and Harmony get started. I'll have anything to drink as long as it's diet, Oliver. Helene, why don't you put on some music? _(Rushing upstairs.)_ I'll be right down. Let me know if Dr. Doolittle calls. _(HE disappears into Neville's bedroom. The TELEPHONE rings.)_

HELENE. I'll get it. _(SHE crosses to the phone.)_

OLIVER. I still think it sounded like a gunshot.

HARMONY. Let's get this dinner started, Oliver. Help me up. _(Tries to get up out of the sofa.)_

HELENE. _(Into the phone.)_ Hello? … Who? Dr. Wood? Yes, he is. Who is it, please?

OLIVER. _(To Helene.) _Is that for me?

HELENE. (_Into phone.) _Uh huh. Uh huh. _(To Oliver.)_ It's a conference call. Mr. and Mrs. Klein, Mr. and Mrs. Platt, Mr. and Mrs. Fishman.

OLIVER. Oh, it's my Friday night group. I have a telephone session with them.

HARMONY. Go on, honey. I can get up myself.

_(OLIVER runs into the kitchen.)_

HELENE. _(Into phone.) _He's coming, folks. _(The other line on the PHONE RINGS. SHE switches buttons.)_ Hello? … Yes it is. No, my husband, just called.

_(HARMONY gets down on the floor and crawls on her hand and knees.)_

HELENE. Yes, I'll tell him. _(SHE holds the phone.)_

HARRY. _(Comes out of Neville's room.)_ Who's on the phone?

HELENE. Dr. Dudley's service.

HARRY. _(Nods and comes downstairs. HE sees Harmony crawling on the floor.)_ Oh, my God! What's that?

HELENE. It's Harmony.

HARMONY. It's all right. I do this all the time. It takes the pressure off my back.

HARRY. Where's Oliver?

HELENE. _(Pointing towards the kitchen.)_ In there. He's got a session with his Friday night group.

HARRY. They're all in the kitchen?

HELENE. No. On the telephone.

HARMONY. _(Crawling toward the dining room.)_ Ah! Ah! Ah!

HARRY. Your back again?

HARMONY. No. little shirt pins on the floor. _(SHE crawls off into the kitchen.)_ Ah! Ah! Ah!

HARRY. _(To Helene.)_ She must be such fun to live with.

HELENE. What happened upstairs? Is Neville all right?

HARRY. He was sleeping. Ron wanted to hide the gun in the closet so Neville wouldn't find it. He tripped on Neville's slippers and the gun went off next to his head. He can't hear a thing in both ears.

HELENE. Ron or Neville?

HARRY. Ron. Neville was out for the Valium. _(Sees the phone is hung up.)_

HELENE. They hung up. I already took the message.

HARRY. You couldn't tell me that while I was on the balcony? What'd they say?

HELENE. They said Dr. Dudley already called this number. He doesn't want to be called out of the theatre again.

HARRY. _(Angrily, re-dials the phone_.) I'm getting a new doctor. I'm not putting my life in the hands of the drama critic for Saint Mungo's Hosptial. _(Into phone.)_ Hello? This is Harry Potter again. Dr. Dudley did_ not_ call this number. Please have him call me back. It's important. _(HE hangs up the phone.)_

HELENE. So what did Ron want Hermione upstairs for?

HARRY. To call Ron's doctor to ask him what to do for his ears. He wouldn't be able to hear what the doctor was saying on the phone. I've got to get back upstairs. (HE starts back upstairs.)

HELENE. You mean she told the doctor a gun went off? Then she'll have to explain about Neville.

HARRY. No. She was going to say Ron was outside and a manhole cover blew up next to him.

HELENE. That's a good idea.

HARRY. Except the doctor wasn't in. His service said he was still at the theatre. There must be some kind of flu going around the theatre district. _(HE runs upstairs. When HE hits the top step, the PHONE rings.)_ They purposely wait till I get on top of the stairs. Answer that, will you?

HELENE. _(Crossing to the phone.)_ This is all too hard to follow. I need a bookmark in my head or something. _(SHE picks up the phone.) _Hello? Oh, Dr. Dudley, thanks for calling back. _(To Harry.)_ Do you want to speak to him?

HARRY. _(Running down the stairs.)_ No. I'm taking a stress test.

HELENE. You know, if Oliver can't figure out something's wrong here, I'm forbidding Helen from going to his group anymore.

HARRY. _(Picking up the phone.)_ Hello, Dr. Dudley? … Thanks for calling me back … Well, some idiot nailed me in my BMW about twenty minutes ago. I've got a little whiplash here … Neville? Neville Longbottom? … No, I wasn't calling about Neville. Why? _(Covering the phone, to Helene.)_ Jesus! Dr. Dudley is Neville's doctor, too. _(Into phone.)_ No, Neville's a lot better. He's resting now … Hermione Weasley? You know Ron and Hermione? Yes, I think she did call._ (Covering the phone, to Helene.)_ He's Ron's doctor, too.

HELENE. Maybe he has a franchise.

HARRY. Will you make yourself useful? Put on some music. _(Into phone.)_ Dr. Dudley? I'm sorry. A cold compress? … Good idea. Let me connect you to Hermione. _(HE presses the "Hold" button, then looks at the extension number.)_ Which button rings in Neville's room?

HELENE. Why? Who's going to hear it up there?

HARRY. _(Not covering the phone.)_ Jesus, you are a pain in the ass. I'd better run up and get Hermione. _(Taking the phone off hold.)_ Dr. Dudley? … What? … Oh, yes, my wife has a pain, too. It's no bother. Can you hold on for Hermione, please? _(Putting the phone on "Hold," then dashing upstairs.)_ We owe this guy a gift. Let's give him Harmony as a patient. See where Oliver is with my drink, will you?_ (HE goes into Neville's room.)_

_(The dining room door opens and OLIVER comes out with a drink.)_

OLIVER. I thought I heard Harry in here. I have his diet.

HELENE. I'll hold it for him. How's Harmony? _(SHE takes the drink.)_

OLIVER. Not well. I gave her some aspirins for her back, but she dropped them in the sauce.

HELENE. Good. Then we'll all get rid of_ our_ headaches.

OLIVER. Did Harry say what that sound was?

HELENE. The gunshot?

OLIVER. It _was_ a gunshot?

HELENE. No, I was referring to the sound you thought was a gunshot.

OLIVER. It wasn't a balloon, I know that.

HELENE. No. It was a can of shaving cream. It exploded.

OLIVER. Shaving cream can exploded?

HELENE. It's all right. It washes off.

OLIVER. Incredible.

HARMONY. _(Sticking her head out the dining room door_.) Oliver? I need you to put out some garbage.

OLIVER. I'm not through talking with my group yet.

HARMONY. They're fighting with each other. I put them on hold.

_(HARMONY and OLIVER exit into the kitchen. Neville's bedroom door opens and HARRY and RON come out. RON holds a towel over his ears.)_

HARRY. It'll clear up in a minute. These things don't last long.

RON. You think this'll last long?

HARRY. _(Opening the guest room door.)_ Lie down in the guest room for a while, Ron. You'll feel better.

RON. _(Looking into the guest room.)_ Maybe if I lie down in the guest room for a while…

HARRY. Right.

HELENE. _(To Harry.)_ What did the doctor say to Hermione?

HARRY. He referred her to another doctor. He's not feeling well himself … My neck is killing me again. Where's my diet?

RON. _(Coming out of the guest room; to Harry.)_ Why don't you want to start a riot? Is your cousin here?

HARRY. No, my _diet!! _Come on, Ron. I'll heat up that towel again.

RON. Don't tell your cousin about Neville. Not till we hear the whole story.

_(THEY go into the guest room. The kitchen door opens and HARMONY comes out. SHE holds a ladle in one hand and her other hand supports a bag of ice on her hip.)_

HARMONY. I've got a problem, Helene, can you help me? Oliver went out to get some garbage bags and the door locked. My hands are full of grease. Could you let him back in?

HELENE. Of course. We would all miss him terribly. (_SHE exits to the kitchen.)_

OLIVER. _(Enters through the front door on his own.)_ I purposely went around so you wouldn't have to go to the door.

_(Neville's bedroom door opens and HERMIONE steps out.)_

HERMIONE. Oh, hi! … Where's Helene?

HARMONY. She went out to the kitchen to let Oliver back in.

HERMIONE. _(Looking at Oliver.)_ Oh. Okay. _(SHE smiles and goes back into Neville's bedroom, closing the door.)_

_(The dining room door opens and HELENE comes out.)_

HELENE. Oh, there you are … Harmony, the water's boiling over the pasta.

HARMONY. Why didn't you turn it down?

HELENE. I don't know. I don't watch your show for one and Helenea never taught me how to turn down a stove for another.

HARMONY. I'll get it. Oliver, get another bag of ice. I'm melting. _(SHE exits into the kitchen.)_

OLIVER. _(Following Harmony, to Helene.)_ I'm beginning to feel like one of my patients. _(HE laughs and goes to the kitchen.)_

_(Neville's bedroom door opens and HERMIONE comes out.)_

HERMIONE. _(Big smile.)_ Well, everything is just fine.

HELENE. It's all right. They're in the kitchen.

HERMIONE. God, I'd smoke a Havana cigar if I had one. _(Coming downstairs, scratching under her arms.)_ I'm getting hives under my arms. _(Going to the bar to make herself a vodka.)_ Did you hear about Ron? He's deaf.

HELENE. He's better off. He's out of this thing now.

HERMIONE. Why are we protecting Neville this way? _(SHE scratches.)_ Ron is deaf, Harry can't turn his neck, Harmony's walking like a giraffe, I'm getting a blood condition. _(SHE scratches.)_ For what? One more gunshot, the whole world will know anyway.

HELENE. The whole world isn't interested. Paraguay and Bolivia don't give a rat's ass.

_(We hear another CAR coming up the driveway.)_

HARRY. _(Coming out of the guest room.)_ There's another car coming up.

_(We see HEADLIGHTS flash on the window.)_

HARRY. Was anyone else invited?

HERMIONE. Bill and Fluer, but they cancelled. They went to Venezuela. But they said they'd call tonight.

HARRY. From Venezuela?

HELENE. Jeez, maybe they _will_ hear about it in Bolivia.

HARRY. So who's coming up the driveway?

HERMIONE. Maybe it's Ginny. Maybe she's come back.

HARRY. Ginny drives a Porsche. This is an Audi. (_HE comes halfway down the stairs.)_

HELENE. Ask Ron. He might know.

HARRY. Ron's reading lips right now. I don't think he can pick up on "Audi."

_(We hear a loud CRASH from the kitchen.)_

HARRY. Jesus, what the hell was that?

HERMIONE. Harmony blew up the microwave, what else?

HARRY. Hermione, go inside and see what happened. Helene, go to the window and see who's coming. I'll go up and see how Ron and Neville are doing … _(HE has been gesturing with a white towel.)_ I feel like I'm at the fucking Alamo. _(HE rushes upstairs, just as:)_

_(The dining room door flies open and OLIVER comes out, flicking his fingers in pain.)_

OLIVER. Damn, I burned my fingers! Hot hot hot, oh, God, it's hot!

HERMIONE. Oh, dear.

OLIVER. Sonofagun, that hurts. Oh, fuckerini!

HELENE. What happened?

OLIVER. _(Quickly.)_ Harmony dropped her ice bag and slipped against the stove. The hot platter was about to fall on her, so I lifted it up. Then I dropped it on the table and it broke the water pitcher and the glass shattered on her arm and she's bleedling like hell. I got a dish towel on her wrist and I propped her up against a cabinet. But I need some bandages for her arm and some ointment for my fingers. I never saw anything happen so fast and I've been in a lot of Quidditch matches with Harry.

HARRY. I can't believe he's in pain and said all that without missing a word.

HELENE. _(To Harry.)_ Get the bandages. Why are you standing there?

HARRY. I was hoping there was more to the story. _(HE rushes into Neville's room and closes the door.)_

OLIVER. I'm sorry, Helene. Did you ask for a drink?

HELENE. Listen, you have other things to think about.

OLIVER. Right. _(HE exits.)_

_(HERMIONE and HELENE stare at each other.)_

HELENE. You know what this night is beginning to remind me of? … A combination of _Platoon_, _Titanic_, and the night Harry's parents died.

_(A car DOOR slams outside.)_

HERMIONE. There's the car. I don't even want to know who it is. Why don't you go and look?

HELENE. Like it's going to be good news, right? _(SHE crosses to the window and looks out.) _It's Draco and Pansy.

HERMIONE. Draco and Pansy Malfoy? Together?

HELENE. That's how they're walking.

HERMIONE. I heard they were having trouble.

HELENE. Not walking. _(SHE comes away from the window.)_

HERMIONE. Jesus! Do you know that Draco is running for Minister of Magic this year?

HELENE. So?

HERMIONE. That's all he needs is to walk in here and be part of a hushed-up suicide attempt. He can kiss his career goodbye.

HELENE. Maybe Ron or Harry'll figure this all out before they ring the doorbell.

_(The DOORBELL rings.)_

HELENE. Well, it's going to be a tough campaign.

HERMIONE. Listen, I have to go to the bathroom. You get the door, I'll be right out. _(SHE starts for the powder room.)_

HELENE. Wait a minute! I haven't gone since I got here!

HERMIONE. Yes, you did. In Mai Li's room.

HELENE. Yes, but no one was at the door then.

HERMIONE. The hell with it. Someone else'll get the door. Come on.

_(THEY BOTH go into the powder room and close the door behind them.)_

_-------------------------------_

Ain't I a stinker? I'm afraid I must leave you here for now.

Coming up, we finally see Draco and Pansy as a married couple. But what's this? Something's amiss with them too? And will Oliver and Harmony find out about Neville's suicide attempt? Can Harry manage to take care of both Ron and Neville?

All this and more next time.


	6. Act I, Part 6

I'm back, folks! Let's see what happens now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Rumors

A Farce

by

Ileana DuBaer

Act I, Part 6

_(The DOORBELL rings again. HARRY comes out of the guest room.)_

HARRY. Isn't anybody going to get the door? … Hermione? … Helene? …

RON._ (Peering out from the guest room.)_ Are you talking to me?

HARRY. No, Ron. Put the towels back on your ears. _(Yelling down.)_ Helene? … Hermione? … Where are you? … Ah, screw it. I'm beginning to feel like my car. _(HE goes back into the guest room and closes the door.)_

_(The dining room door opens and OLIVER comes out with paper towels wrapped around the fingers on both hands. HE is wearing an apron. HE shouts up.)_

OLIVER. Harry? You got those bandages?

_(The DOORBELL rings again.)_

OLIVER. Nobody getting that door? … these kids are up to something, I know it. _(HE crosses to the front door and tries to open it with burned fingers. HE is finally successful.)_

_(DRACO and PANSY MALFOY, a handsome couple, stand there in evening clothes. DRACO holds a gift from Ralph Lauren's. THEY seem very much on edge with each other.)_

OLIVER. _(Smiles.)_ Hello.

DRACO. Good evening.

_(THEY walk in, look around. OLIVER closes the door with his foot.)_

OLIVER. Good evening. I don't know where everyone is.

PANSY. You mean we're the first here?

OLIVER. No. everyone's here. They're just – spread out a little.

DRACO. Could I have a drink, please? Double Scotch, straight up.

PANSY._ (Not looking at Oliver.)_ Perrier with lime, no ice.

OLIVER. Sure. Fine. I don't believe we've met. I'm Oliver Wood.

DRACO. _(Coolly, nods.)_ Hello, Oliver.

OLIVER. Excuse my hands. Little accident in the kitchen.

DRACO. Sorry to hear it.

OLIVER. I would stay and chat but my wife is bleeding in the kitchen.

DRACO. You're wife?

OLIVER. Harmony. a water pitcher broke, cut her arm. I burned my fingers.

DRACO. That's a shame.

OLIVER. Nothing to worry about. We'll have dinner ready soon. Nice to meet you both. _(HE returns to the kitchen.)_

DRACO. I wonder why they're not using the Chinese girl?

PANSY. Do I look alright?

DRACO. Yes. Fine.

PANSY. I feel so frumpy.

DRACO. God, no. you look beautiful.

PANSY. My hair isn't right, is it? I saw you looking at it in the car.

DRACO. No, I wasn't.

PANSY. What were you looking at then?

DRACO. The road, I suppose.

PANSY. I can always tell when you hate what I'm wearing.

DRACO. I love that dress. I always have.

PANSY. This is the first time I've worn it.

DRACO. I always have admired your taste is what I meant.

PANSY. It's so hard to please you sometimes.

DRACO. What did I say?

PANSY. It's what you _don't_ say that really drives me crazy.

DRACO. What _don't_ I say? … How can it drive you crazy if I don't say it?

PANSY. I don't know. It's the looks that you give me.

DRACO. I wasn't giving you any looks.

PANSY. You look at me all the time.

DRACO. Because you're always asking me to look at you.

PANSY. It would be nicer if I didn't have to ask you, wouldn't it?

DRACO. It would be nice if you didn't need me to look at you, wouldn't it?

PANSY. I can't ever get any support from you. You've got all the time in the world for everything and everyone else, but I've got to draw blood to get your attention when I walk in a room.

DRACO. We walked in the room together. It was all ready done. Pansy, please don't start. We're forty-five minutes late as it is. I don't want to ruin this night for Neville and Ginny.

PANSY. We're forty-five minutes late because you scowled at every dress I tried on.

DRACO. I didn't scowl, I smiles. You always think my smile looks like a scowl. You think my grin looks like a frown, and my frown looks like a yawn.

PANSY. Don't sneer at me.

DRACO. It wasn't a sneer. It was a peeve.

PANSY. God, this conversation is so banal. I can't believe any of the things I'm saying. We sound like some fucking Muggle couple.

DRACO. Oh, now we're going to get into language, right?

PANSY. No, Mr. Perfect, I will not get into any language. I don't want to risk a scowl, a frown, a yawn, a peeve, or a sneer. God forbid I should show a human imperfection, I'd wake up with the divorce papers in my hand.

DRACO. What is this thing lately with divorce? Where does that come from? I don't look at you sometimes because I'm afraid you're thinking you don't like the way I'm looking at you.

PANSY. I don't know what the hell you want from me, Draco. I really don't.

DRACO. I don't want _any_thing from you. I mean I would like it to be the way we were before we got to be the way we are.

PANSY. God, you suffocate me sometimes … I want to go home.

DRACO. Go home? We just got here. We haven't even seen anyone yet.

PANSY. I don't know how I'm going to get through this night. They all know what's going on. They're your friends. Jesus, and you expect me to behave like nothing's happening.

DRACO. Nothing is happening. What are you talking about?

PANSY. Don't you fucking lie to me. The whole goddam city knows about you and that cheap little chippy bimbo.

DRACO. Will you keep it down? Nothing is going on. You're blowing this up out of all proportions. I hardly know the woman. She's on the Fund Raising Committee. I met her and her husband at two cocktail parties, for God sakes.

PANSY. Two cocktail parties, huh?

DRACO. Yes! Two cocktail parties.

PANSY. You think I'm stupid?

DRACO. No.

PANSY. You think I'm blind?

DRACO. No.

PANSY. You think I don't know what's been going on?

DRACO. Yes, because you don't.

PANSY. I'm going to tell you something, Draco. Are you listening?

DRACO: Do you see my ears perking up?

PANSY: I've known about you and Carole Newman for a year now.

DRACO. Amazing, since I only met her four months ago. Now I'm asking you to please lower your voice. That butler must be listening to everything.

PANSY. You think I care about a butler and a bleeding cook? My friends know about your bimbo, what do I care about domestic help?

DRACO. I don't know what's gotten into you, Pansy. Do my political ambitions bother you? Are you threatened somehow because I'm running for Minister of Magic?

PANSY. Oh, don't make it sound like we're moving far. We're going to London. Twenty-three degrees below zero in the middle of winder London. You're not the _Daily Prophet's _Man of the Year yet, you understand, honey?

DRACO. _(Turning away.) _Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy!

PANSY. What was that?

DRACO. _(Deliberately.)_ Oh-boy, oh-boy, oh-boy!

PANSY. Oh, like I'm behaving badly, right? I'm the shrew witch wife who's giving you such a hard time. I'll tell you something, Mr. _Minister_ of Magic. I'm not the only one who knows what's going on. People are talking, mate. Trust me.

DRACO. What do you mean? You haven't said anything to anyone, have you?

PANSY. Oh, is that what you're worried about? Your reputation? Your career? Your place in Wizarding history? You know what your place in Wizarding history will be? … A commemorative statue of you and the bimbo in a motel together.

DRACO. You are so hyper tonight, Pansy. You're out of control. You've been rubbing your quartz crystal again, haven't you? I told you to throw those damn crystals away. They're dangerous. They're like petrified cocaine.

_(PANSY is looking through her purse.)_

DRACO. … Don't take it out, Pansy. Don't rub your crystal at the party. It makes you crazy.

_(SHE takes out her crystal. HE grabs for it.)_

DRACO. Put it away. Don't let my friends see what you're doing.

PANSY. Fine. Don't let _my_ friends see what _you're_ doing.

_(The guest room door opens. HARRY comes out onto the balcony.)_

HARRY. Draco! Pansy! I thought it was you. How you doing?

RON. _(From inside the guest room.)_ I'm feeling better, thanks!

HARRY. Not you, Ron. It's Draco and Pansy.

DRACO. _(Big smile.) _We're fine. Just great. Hi, Harry … Pansy, it's Harry … Pansy.

PANSY. _(A quick nod.)_ Potter.

HARRY. Did it suddenly freeze up out there?

DRACO. Freeze up?

HARRY. Isn't that an icicle Pansy has there?

DRACO. No. It's a quartz crystal.

HARRY. Oh. Where's Hermione and Helene?

RON. _(From the guest room.)_ Did somebody come in?

HARRY. _(Angrily, to Ron.)_ DRACO AND PANSY!! I _TOLD_ YOU!! _(To Draco.)_ It's Ron. His ears are stuffed up. Bad cold … Who let you in?

DRACO. The butler.

HARRY. The butler? The butler's here?

DRACO. He's getting us drinks.

HARRY. Is he alone?

DRACO. No, the cook's with him.

HARRY. Mai Li? God, what a relief. They came back. We didn't have any help here for a while.

DRACO. Really? Where's Neville and Ginny?

HARRY. Neville and Ginny? I guess they're in their room.

RON. _(From the guest room.) _My towel fell off, Harry.

HARRY. _(Angrily, to Ron.)_ I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL. I'VE GOT TO GET THE BANDAGES FIRST. _(To Draco.)_ Excuse me, kids. I've got to get some bandages. _(HE knocks on Neville's door.)_ Neville? Ginny? Is it all right if I come in? _(In Ginny's voice.) _Sure, come on in. _(He goes into Neville's room and closes the door.)_

_(The guest room door opens and RON comes out.)_

RON. Harry? … Harry, where'd you go?

_(DRACO and PANSY look up.)_

DRACO. Ron? Hi. It's Draco and Pansy.

RON. Harry? Is that you? _(HE looks down.)_ Who's that? Malfoy? Is that Malfoy?

DRACO. Yes. And Pansy. I hear you have a cold.

RON. You think I look old? I haven't been sleeping well lately … Hi, Pansy. Do the others know you're here?

DRACO. Yes. We just saw Harry.

RON. Have you seen Harry?

DRACO. Yes. He went into Neville's room.

RON. I'm sorry. I can't hear a thing. A manhole cover just blew up next to my ear.

DRACO. That's terrible.

RON. I just said, "A manhole cover just blew up next to my ear."

DRACO. Yes. I hear you.

RON. I'm sorry. I can't hear you. Anyone getting you a drink?

DRACO. Yes, the butler?

RON. Sorry, there's no help here. They're in the Orient somewhere.

PANSY. _(To Draco.)_ I think he's finally gone dotty.

RON. Yes, a hot toddy would be nice. I'm gong to see if Harry's in Neville's room. We're all coming down soon. _(HE knocks on Neville's door.)_ Ginny? Mind if I come in?

HARRY. _(As Ginny, from inside.)_ Sure, brother. Come on in.

_(RON goes into Neville's room.)_

_-------------------_

Ain't I a stinker? This is the end of the section, my lovelies! My sincerest apologies.

Coming up, the end of Act I. Are Draco, Harmony, Pansy, and Oliver going to find out what's really going on? Is Hermione going to crack and smoke a cigarette? Will Ron ever get back his hearing? How far is Harry going to go in his attempt to pretend Ginny's in the room? All this and more coming up.


End file.
